You ask your man, “Do I look fat in this?”
He says, ”No darling, you’re not fat, you’re cuddly!”
How do men sort their clothes?
Into two piles- dirty, and dirty but wearable. (They smell them).
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women!
What is a man’s idea of a good seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack!
Before you marry a man he will lie awake all night thinking about
something you said.
After you marry, he will fall asleep before you finish saying it.
What do you have when you’ve got two little balls in your
A man’s undivided attention.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly committed?
A mental hospital.
What do you call an intelligent man?
What do you give a man who has everything?
A woman who can explain how it works.
Why are men like chocolates?
They never last long enough!
What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A year later the dog is still happy to see you.
What does the clitoris; your anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Most men miss them.
Most men think Mutual Orgasm is an insurance company.
Women would be better off if men treated them like cars. They would
get cleaned every Sunday morning and filled up twice a week.
What is the difference between a singles bar and the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk to you.
Why do only 10% of all men go to heaven?
If they all went, it would be sheer hell.
Why do some men come so quickly?
So they can run to the pub and tell their friends.
What is a foreplay of most men?
Are you awake, darling?
A woman put an advertisement in the paper, Encyclopaedia for sale.
$500 as new. (Just got married. My husband knows everything).
Most men prefer looks to brains. That’s because most men see
more clearler then they think.
Why do so many women fake orgasms?
Because so many men, fake foreplay.
A man is like a snowstorm. You don’t know when he is coming,
how many inches you will get or how long it will last.
The only way to make your husband love you and no one else is to
become his secretary.
How do men exercise on the beach?
They suck in their stomachs every time a girl in a bikini walks
Why do women find it hard to meet sensitive, caring, good-looking
They already have boyfriends.
What do you do when your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door.
At 35 a woman thinks about having children. At 35 a man thinks about
Why are men like toilets?
They are all either vacant, engaged or full of crap.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four men watching a football match.
How can you tell the difference between a present your husband buys
you for the hell of it, or a present he buys you because he feels
The guilty present is much nicer.
You can tell if your guy is playing around when he sends you love
notes that have been photocopied and begin with the phrase, “To
whom it may concern.”
How do you know when a man is lying?
His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a gorgeous man and an ugly man?
Adam came first.
But then men always do.
What’s the difference between a modern woman and a computer?
A woman won’t accept a three and a half inch floppy.
How do men practice safe sex?
They meet their mistress at least 30 kilometres from where they
What can you say to a man who just had sex?
Anything you like; he is already asleep.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts do not have eyes.
Did you hear about the baby that was born last week? It had a penis
and a brain.
A man prays to G-d and asks him why did you make women so beautiful?
So you can love them, replied G-d. But why did you make women so
dumb? The man asked. So she would love you, God replied.
Marriage is the price men pay for sex and sex is the price women
pay for marriage.
When a woman makes a fool of a man, it is usually an improvement.
Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him.
Women can take a joke – they get married to prove it.
What is the best way of making sure your man doesn’t make
a fool of himself in a party? Leave him at home.
Why are men like babies? They start whinging when you try to change
Why are men like vending machines?
They take your money and then do not work.
Why did Moses wander around in the desert for 40 years?
He refused to ask for directions.
In the first year of marriage the man talks and the woman listens,
in the second year the woman talks and the man listens, in the third
year they both talk and the neighbours listen.
Why are bachelors like used cars?
They are easy to find, cheap and unreliable.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one but you are not quite sure why.
Why is food better than a man?
You don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.
What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He is breathing.
Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
You meet a man in a bar and he asks,
“Do you come here often?”
• Don’t I know you from somewhere?
• Are you here alone or with friends?
• Can I buy you a drink?
• When I saw you walking in, I could not believe a woman as
beautiful as you would come here.
• Where’s your boyfriend/husband? If you say you do
not have anyone, then the man might say, ”I cannot believe
a beautiful woman like you has got no one.”
• My friend likes you; will you come over and talk to him?
• When you are in a club a man will come up to you and say,
“Promise me you will dance the next song with me.”
• When you are out with your daughter and a man says to you,
“Are you sisters?”
• When you meet a man and he tells you, “Has anyone
told you how beautiful you are?”
• I love your dress it’s beautiful!
• I’ve never met a woman like you before.
• I love your shoes.
• I’ve known you for so many years and you are getting
younger and younger.
• You remind me of an actress I really like.
• Are you a model?
• I love your style!
• That’s very rare; you are not only beautiful but you
are intelligent too.
• When you tell a man about certain music you like and then
he invites you to his place to hear his CD collection.
• I want you to be the mother of my children.
• I love your accent – where are you from?
• I love the way you tilt your head.
• I love your eyes.
• You have got beautiful legs.
• I love the way you swing your hips.
• I love your hair.
• I love your feet. They are like Cinderella’s feet.
• Beautiful things come in small packages.
• With your smile you would make any one happy.
• You have beautiful teeth. With your teeth all the dentists
will be out of work.
• Are you new to this area?
• I really love bubbly women.
• Can I walk you to your car.
• You are out shopping and looking for a dress. A man comes
up to you and says, “That dress would look fantastic on you.”
• On the street man comes up to you and says, “I run
a modelling agency. Can I take pictures of you?” and gives
you his card.
A lot of men think of their wives as replacing their mothers.
Inside every man there is a little boy that never grew up.
Every young man thinks he is going to conquer the world until he
Men will never change unless they have to.
Not only it is hard to be a man, it is harder to become one.
I get sick and tired of listening to these boys that can do things
The only time a woman can really change a man is when he is a baby.
A lot of younger men are curious about what an older woman can do
Some men are at all the right places – if they only knew where
Behind almost every woman you ever met stands a man that let her
Throughout history men have been unfaithful.
You see many clever men with thick women but you hardly ever see
a clever woman with a thick man.
Under pressure most women talk without thinking, while men act without
When a man has a problem at work he cannot concentrate on his relationship.
When a woman has a problem in her relationship she cannot concentrate
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without any prior
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong that is because of a direct result of
something the male did or said.
7. The male should take responsibility for everything no matter
8. The female can change her mind at any time.
9. The male should never change his mind without the consent of
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants
him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must not let the male know whether or not she wants
him to be angry or upset.
THINGS ONLY WOMEN CAN UNDERSTAND
1. Why it is great to have four different pairs of black shoes.
2. The difference between off white, ivory and cream.
3. Crying can sometimes be exciting.
4. Fat clothes.
5. A salad, diet coke and a fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
6. Discovering a designer’s dress on the clearance rack can
be better then an orgasm.
7. Why a phone call with another woman never lasts under 10 minutes.
8. What other women go through.
9. A good man is hard to find but a good hairdresser is nearly impossible.
10. All the bathroom scales are incorrect.
The five stages of a women’s life:
1. To grow up.
2. To fill out.
3. To slim down.
4. To hold it in. And the last but not least-
5. To hell with it!
THINGS THAT MAKE MEN ANGRY
(But in most cases he will never tell you)
1. That your girlfriend knows everything about him.
2. Coming home and finding out that the fridge is empty and talking
about a meal is out of question.
3. Comments on his driving.
4. The words I told you! Or I knew it! You never listen to me!
5. Being bald.
6. When you direct him like a child.
7. When his sports team loses.
8. When she lessens the importance of his job.
9. Women drivers.
10. That you do not adore him all the time.
11. When you talk to your girlfriend for ½ an hour and when
you ask her, who was it? You say, no one.
12. The question do you still love me?
13. Helping at home.
14. Women who give you the impression that they are interested and
at the end say no.
15. Your mother.
16. The question, when are you coming home? And the question, can
you stop at the supermarket on the way home?
17. You taking his blanket and then accusing him of being a bedclothes
18. Waiting ages for you.
19. Giving up the remote control.
20. Asking for directions.
21. That it takes you so long to get dressed.
22. Any phone call that is longer then five minutes.
23. When you see a movie together and you ask so what did he say?
Or what happened exactly? Any questions about what happened in the
24. When you start telling him about your day in the middle of a
25. When you throw out the paper before he had a chance to read
26. The thought that you had better sex with someone else.
27. A crying baby when it is his turn to get up.
28. Going shopping with you.
30. Any questions about his previous girlfriends.
31. When he flirts with another woman and you don’t even care.
32. When he wants to and you tell him that you have a headache or
you just do not feel well.
33. When you use his razor blade.
34. The sentences, Are you listening to me? I’m talking to
35. When you buy something new and refuse to tell him how much it
36. When you move his personal stuff or adjust the mirror in the
37. When someone cuts him off on the road.
38. Getting up in the middle of the night because you heard strange
noises or you want him to check that the door is closed.
39. Long conversations into the night, with no end in sight.
40. When you know better than him and you prove it.
41. When you always feel cold and want to be hugged again and again.
42. When you cut out an article in the paper and shows him.
43. When he takes you to a fancy restaurant, you order food and
then don’t eat it.
44. When you compare him with other men or your father.
45. Using things he told you in confidence against him.
46. Whinging and complaining all the time.
47. When you make up your mind and then change it.
48. When you ask too many questions.
49. When you know you are wrong but still argue.
50. Going to see your family.
51. When you contradict him in public.
MR PENIS ASKS FOR A PAY RISE!
1. I do physical labour.
2. I work in great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I don’t get paid overtime.
7. I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation.
8. I work in high temperatures.
9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Mr Penis
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you
have raised – the administration has decided to reject your
request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work your full 8 hours.
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the right instructions from the management.
4. You do not stay in your allocated position all the time, and
often you have been seen visiting other sites.
5. You do not take the initiative; you need to be stimulated in
order to start work.
6. At the end of your job you usually leave the place in a messy
7. You do not always observe the right safety regulations, such
as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You usually retire well before reaching 65.
9. You have never worked double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your position well before you have completed
your day’s work.
And after all that, you have been seen constantly entering and
leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious bags.
You have just read Jokes and funny scenarios most women face.
A Common Mistake!
One of the biggest mistakes people make these days is looking for
someone to fill a void in their lives. This may be caused by insecurities
or the abandonment they felt when they were young.
Then, after they have been with this man or woman for a while,
they decide that he/she is not what they want. They go on to the
next woman/man and so on.
The key here is to work on yourself first and find out what you
really want and need. If you do not work on yourself first, no matter
who you are with, you will never be happy!
Would You Like to Know?
1. Where? And how to attract a man? Body language! How to handle
a date! Testing your new man.
2. The magnet effect! And how to be happy!
3. How to handle men- In general! The ABC for women.
4. Passion in your relationship, and decisions you will have to
5. Warning signs your relationship is rocky/possible affair! And
how to spot a liar.
6. Love- great sex, and how to keep your man.
7. How to handle marriage & changes once you have children!
8. Dress and make up.
9. How to get your man to propose to you? & The fishing analogy.
10. Break up-The wind, night and four seasons analogy.
11. Basic information on sexually transmitted diseases –(STD).
12. Basic needs of women and men.
13. Questions on how to handle separation and divorce?
14. Questions frequently asked by women?
15. What men really want?
16. The biological clock and motherhood.
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WRITTEN BY JOHN IFERGAN
I state that this document expresses my personal opinion
This has worked for me.
No responsibility will be taken by me for any outcomes
Any comments should be referred to:
P.O.BOX 60 Rose Bay Sydney N.S.W 2029 Australia
This publication should not be published
Without the consent of the above writer
This is covered by copyright ©
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