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JOKES,ENTERTAINING SCENARIOS, AND TRUTHS
THAT MOST MEN EXPERIENCE

If you cannot take a joke, you should log off. This section is not intended to degrade women or men. Its intention is to make all of us laugh.


MR PENIS ASKS FOR A PAY RISE
FROM THE MANAGEMENT!

The case for:

1. I do physical labour.
2. I work in great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I don’t get paid overtime.
7. I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation.
8. I work in high temperatures.
9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The reply:

Dear Mr Penis

After assessing your request and carefully considering the arguments you have raised, the administration regretfully informs you that it has decided to deny your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work your full 8 hours.
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the right instructions from the management.
4. You do not stay in your allocated position all the time and it is reported you have been seen visiting other sites.
5. You do not take the initiative; you need to be stimulated in order to start working.
6. At the end of your job you usually leave the place in a messy condition.
7. You do not always observe the right safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You usually retire well before reaching 65.
9. You have never worked double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your position, well before you have completed your day’s work.

And after all that, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Yours faithfully,
The Management.

Joke#1
A man puts an advertisement in the newspaper: Encyclopaedia Britannica for sale $500 as new (in brackets: Just got married. My wife knows everything).

Joke#2
A woman will always remember all the bad things you have done but never the good. They have very selective memories.
It’s like the joke that says, “What’s the difference between a woman and a computer?”
“Well, at least on the computer you have a delete button. With a woman you can never delete the information.”

Joke#3
What is the difference between a married man who is a little overweight and a single man that is slim?
Well, when you are single you may get up in the middle of the night and go to the fridge but as usual, the fridge is empty. A married man sees what he’s got in the bed so he gets up and goes back to the fridge.

Joke#4
Why do women love having sex in the dark?
Because they can’t stand seeing their man having a good time!

Joke#5
What do sex and banking transactions have in common? Once you make a withdrawal you lose interest.

Joke#6
What does tiles and women have in common? Well if you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them. If not, you’re gone.

Joke#7
Why are cyclones like women?
They start slowly with small noises but then they take the whole house!!

Joke#8
What’s the difference between singles bars and the circus?
Well at least in the circus the clowns do not talk to you!!

Joke#9
Why do so many women fake orgasms?
So they can make a phone call and tell one of their girlfriends!!

Joke#10
A woman is like buying a car. You check out the model and the colour, and then you take it for a test drive. Remember: once you drive the car of the lot it automatically loses its value.

Joke#11
Why did G-d create alcohol?
So even the ugly ones will have a good chance at 2:00A.M!

Joke#12
What do women and dog poop have in common?
Well the older they get, the easier they are to pick up!

Joke#13
If a woman does not complain – stop! ‘She’s’ really a man!

Joke#14
Why did G-d create man?
So women would have some one to blame for their mistakes.

Joke#15
In the first year of marriage, the man talks and the woman listens!
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens!
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Joke#16
A child goes to his father and says, “Dad, do you know that in Africa certain men do not know their wives till they get married!”
The father responds, “Son, that’s not only in Africa, it happens all over the world!”

Joke#17
A child asks his father, “Dad, how much does it cost to get married?”
The father responds, “I don’t know yet son, I am still paying!”

Joke#18
What is the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
A year later, the dog is still pleased to see you.

Joke#19
What’s the difference between the weather and a woman?
Well at least with the weather you can see it coming!

Joke#20
How do you drive your wife crazy?
Hide her mobile phone!

I state that these are just jokes, there are from my personal
Experience, and after research we have done.
If and when some one cannot take a joke
Then this is about time to log off!

Joke#21
What is the difference between a woman with PMT and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Joke#22

Free spot for your joke. Email us your joke here.


Joke#23 Men’s Rules

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. No male can possibly know all the rules.
3. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
4. The female is never wrong.
5. If the female is wrong that is because of a direct result of something the male did or said.
6. The male should take responsibility for everything no matter what.
7. The female can change her mind at any time.
8. The male should never change his mind without the consent of the female.
9. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
10. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
11. The female must not let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The rules are subject to change at any time without any prior notification.

Joke#24:
What do I want in a Man. (Original list- a young lady)
1. Handsome.
2. Charming.
3. Financially successful.
4. A caring listener.
5. Witty.
6. In good shape.
7. Dresses with style.
8. Appreciates finer things.
9. Full of thoughtful surprises.
10. An imaginative and romantic lover.

What I want in a Man revised list (around age 31-33)

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair).
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs.
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner.
4. Listens more then he talks.
5. Laughs at my jokes.
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease.
7. Owns at least one tie.
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal.
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries.
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man revised list (early to mid 40’s)

1. Not too ugly (bald is OK).
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car.
3. Works steadily – takes me out occasionally to dinner.
4. Nods his head when I’m talking.
5. Usually remembers punch line of jokes.
6. Is in enough good shape to rearrange the furniture.
7. Wears a shirt that covers his belly.
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down.
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I want in a man revised list (early to mid 50’s)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed.
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public.
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often.
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting.
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times.
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends.
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear.
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner.
9. Remembers my name on special occasions.
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I want in a man revised list (early 60’s)

1. Doesn’t scare small children.
2. Remembers where the bathroom is.
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep.
4. Only snores lightly when asleep.
5. Remembers why he is laughing.
6. Is in enough good shape to stand up by himself.
7. Usually wears some clothes.
8. Likes soft foods.
9. Remembers where he left his teeth.
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend.

What I want in a man revised list (early 70’s)

1. Still breathes.
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.


Joke#25
The Five Stages of a Woman’s life:

1. To grow up.
2. To fill out.
3. To slim down.
4. To hold it in. And the last but not least-
5. To hell with it.


Joke#26
The Geography of a Woman

*Between the age of 15 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
*Between the age of 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
*Between the ages of 31 and 36 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
*Between the ages of 36 and 40 a woman is like France, Gently aging but still warm and desirable place to visit.
*Between the ages of 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes, and Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
*Between the ages of 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide boarders that are unpatrolled...........The frigid climate keeps people away.
*Between the ages of 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
*After the age of 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Allmost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


Joke#27
Behind every successful woman there is a surprised man.


Joke#28
If your wife is quiet? Please do not interrupt her!


I state that these are just jokes, there are from my personal
Experience, and after research we have done.
If and when some one cannot take a joke
Then this is about time to log off!


Scenario#1
She says, “We need to talk!”
Guess who does the talking? If someone’s at fault, guess who it’s going to be?
And you thought that you were the only one going through with this!

Scenario#2
She says, “I’ve got nothing to wear!”
Have you heard this one even though her wardrobe is crammed with clothes?

Scenario#3
“Does my bum look big in this?” she asks.
Really there is only one answer. Get it wrong and you’ll live to regret it!

Scenario#4
She asks your opinion.
“What shoes/dress do you think I should wear?”
You know that no matter which one you chose it will be the wrong one. Once you chose, she will tell you why don’t you like the other one. One way or another you will have a story.

Scenario#5
She complains, “We never go out anywhere any more! You never take me anywhere like you used to!”

Scenario#6
Question: What is the one sentence that every single man dreads?
Answer: “Do you want to move in together darling?”

Scenario#7
Heard this one before? “You don’t argue with me because you know I’m right!”

Scenario#8
It is true that a woman will always listen to her girl friends, her sister or mother but never to her man or husband.

Scenario#9
She asks, “Why can’t you be like the husband of (one of her girl friends)? He is so sweet/considerate/understanding/wonderful.”

Scenario#10
“Why can’t you be like my father? My father would never do that to my mother.”

Scenario#11
Woman: “Why do I have to get up in the middle of the night to change the baby?”
Man: “Because I have to get up in the morning and go to work.”

Scenario#12
On the subject of children:
When your son/daughter is doing well your woman will say, “My son /daughter” but when they are doing badly she will say, “Your son/daughter.”
She will say his/her bad behaviour is because of you. You are never home! You do not pay attention to them and it’s your side of the family that the child is taking after.

Scenario#13
Most women will say, “I am a fair and reasonable woman. I am not like other women who are bad and vindictive. I’m not jealous like other women, I am happy for other people.” (Yes offcourse).

Scenario#14
Most women will want to talk to you when the big game of soccer/rugby/tennis/cricket is on, not before the game, not after the game but right in the middle of the game! She might also stand in front of the T.V to obstruct your view and once you make a comment that she is disturbing you, she then will say, “What? Is the game really more important than me?”
From there you know you are going to have an argument and we all know whose fault it is going to be.

Scenario#15
In every argument a woman has the last word. Any word after that starts a new argument!

Scenario#17
When you have had a long day at work and all you want is peace and quiet she may ask you, “Is everything OK?”
You may answer, “Yes, I’m just tired. I don’t want to talk.” The longer the silence, the worse things will get and you just know that sooner or later you will have an argument.

• Why don’t you talk to me darling? You can talk to me! What happened? Don’t you love me any more?
• I can’t ever ring you at work, you’re always busy. You have time for everyone but not for me.

Scenario#18
Question: How do you make sure you never forget your anniversary?
Answer: Forget it once!

Scenario#19
Woman: “You never have time to talk to me!”
Man: “We can talk later!”
Woman: “You never listen to me like you used to!”

Scenario#20
Woman: “Today I bought this or that. I saved you so many $$$$$!”

Scenario#21
On the subject of shopping: When a man needs something he will pay a little more as long as he gets what he wants because he can’t be bothered going some where else just so he can save a few dollars.
A woman, on the other hand, sniffs out bargains. Even if she does not need it right now, maybe she will in the future. In fact, she’ll buy ten of them, just in case. Now you know why you don’t have enough space at home.

Scenario#22
A woman can talk to her girl friend for two hours on the phone and after that she will go and see her. You would think they have already said everything there is to say but apparently not.

Scenario#23
Question: What will most women tell you after you have slept with them a few times?
Answer: I feel closer to you/ I love you/I never met any one like you/ I have never done this before/I have dreamt about you/ I knew you are going to come in my life/I can feel we are meant to be together/ no one made me feel the way you do/ no one will understand you the way I do/ no one will love you the way I love you/I have been waiting for you all my life/I feel we are soul mates.

Scenario#24
Equal rights: What you earn is half hers, what she earns is all hers.
I just wonder who is going to pay the bills?
Taking a woman out on a date, guess who pays? And if you don’t, more than likely she will never see you again. She will probably also brand you as stingy. So much for equality!

I state that these are just jokes, there are from my personal
Experience, and after research we have done.
If and when some one cannot take a joke
Then this is about time to log off!

Scenario#25
Women believe if a cat strays, it’s because of lack of affection at home. They believe if a dog strays, it’s because of lack of affection at home. Women believe if a woman strays, it’s because of lack of affection at home. But if a man strays, it’s because all men are scum!

Scenario#26
Heard this one:” It’s not you, it’s me!”

Scenario#27
She says, “I’m not your mother. I already have one baby, I don’t need another.”

Scenario#28
She says, “Listen, I’m talking to you! What’s wrong with you?”
Or “There’s no point talking to you, you won’t understand anyway!”

Scenario#29
Woman: “Do you love me? You never tell me any more that you love me!”
Man: “Of course I love you!”
Woman: “No you don’t mean it, you’re only saying it because I asked.“

Scenario#30
Toilet disputes:
“You always forget to put the toilet seat down.” Most men do.
“Why didn’t you change the toilet paper? Can’t you see that it is finished?”
“Why can’t you piss inside the toilet? You always miss! What’s wrong with you? Can’t you smell how the toilet stinks!”

Scenario#31
You worked really hard and eventually you buy the house that you really wanted. You feel so happy and proud. Then you ask her, “Are you happy with the new place?”
Instead of saying, “Yes, it’s fantastic,” she will say, “Yes it’s good but it is not as nice as so and so’s (naming a friend or relative). They have a much better house than us!”
The same will happen to you when you buy her a car or whatever it is!

Scenario#32
When you are watching TV and the phone rings. She takes the call and talks loudly, even though she knows that you really want to see that particular program on TV.

Scenario#33
You have organised to go somewhere. She takes ages to get ready. You know you are going to be late, and after all that, she is still not happy with the way she looks, and if you say that you’re going to be late or you did not compliment her on the way she looks, the whole night will be ruined.

Scenario#34
One of the biggest things that kills the spirit of a woman is that you got divorced or finished your relationship with her and now you are with another woman who makes you happy and you have become financially successful. Remember: success is the best revenge.

I state that these are just jokes, there are from my personal
Experience, and after research we have done.
If and when some one cannot take a joke
Then this is about time to log off!

Scenario#35
The moment you walk in the door after work your woman will start. This has happened and that has happened today and this woman did such and such. There will always be another story. This happens to all men but no one talks about it.

Scenario#36
A woman can suddenly burst into tears without any warning. She might say, “What happened to my life? Why does all this happen to me? Why is everyone so jealous? Every one hates me.”


Scenario#37
A woman will do everything so she can change the man and if she succeeds then she may say, “I don’t love you any more. You’ve changed!”


Scenario#38
You come from work and you see your woman is upset!
You ask, “What’s wrong darling?”
She says, “I’m not sure! I’m confused! I don’t know any more!”
Yes, most men have heard those lines.

Truth#1
A man thinks if he marries a woman she will stay the same but she changes the moment he marries her.
A woman thinks she can change a man. She wastes most of her life finding out she can’t.

Truth#2
A woman is always worried about the future, in the morning, at night, summer and winter, until she gets married. A man is never worried until he gets married.

Truth#3
No matter what your woman says, there will be a but attached to it (in most cases). She may say, “I did this or that but you did not do this or that.” Even when they compliment you, they will say, “You did this or that but you did not do that or forgot this or that.”
To counter this, just ask your woman, “Where’s the but darling?”
Try it and see – you may be surprised at her response.
Then she may change the but, to an and!

Truth#4
No matter how much money you give a woman, it is never enough.
Most women will focus only on what they do not have, rather than what they do.

Truth#5
No matter what you do, it is never good enough.

Truth#6
Most women do not know what they want but they do know that it is your fault. No matter what you do or say, it is wrong.

Truth#7
Most women are experts at fixing other people’s relationship problems but not their own. I knew this is going to happen! I told you! You never listen to me!

Truth#8
Most men, when they’re young, think they are going to conquer the world until they get married!

Truth#9
Most women hate it when they see that one of their girlfriends is happy. They become jealous because if they are not happy, they can’t stand it that some one else is.

Truth#10
Why do so many men lie?
Because women ask too many questions!

Truth#11
Under pressure most women talk without thinking, while men act without thinking.

Truth#12
When a man has got a problem at work he cannot concentrate on his relationship. When a woman has got a problem in her relationship she can’t concentrate at work.

I state that these are just jokes, there are from my personal
Experience, and after research we have done.
If and when some one cannot take a joke
Then this is about time to log off!

A Common Mistake!

One of the biggest mistakes people make these days is looking for someone to fill a void in their lives. This may be caused by insecurities or the abandonment they felt when they were young.

Then, after they have been with this man or woman for a while, they decide that he/she is not what they want. They go on to the next woman/man and so on.

The key here is to work on yourself first and find out what you really want and need. If you do not work on yourself first, no matter who you are with, you will never be happy!


How would you like to know?

1. How to Attract a Woman; Body Language and How to Date.
2. The Magnet Effect and How to be Happy.
3. How to Handle Women; General Tips and the Ten Commandments.
4. How to Have Wild Sex!
5. Secrets of passion.
6. How to Handle Marriage and the Changes!
7. How to Read the Warning Signs! Is she having an affair?
8. How to Have an Affair and Get Away with it!
9. How to Handle Divorce. A.V.Os and Police Matters (western countries only).
10. How to Keep Your Money and Protect Yourself!
11. The Car Analogy.
12. Why are Women Different? The Candy Analogy.
13. Basic Information on Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs).

30-day money back guarantee! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

WRITTEN BY JOHN IFERGAN
I state that these are just jokes, there are from my personal
Experience, and after research we have done.
If and when some one cannot take a joke
Then this is about time to log off!
No responsibility will be taken by me for any outcome!
Any comments should be referred to:
P.O.BOX 60 Rose Bay Sydney N.S.W 2029 Australia.
This publication should not be published
Without the consent of the above writer
This is covered by copyright


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